It normally isn't hard for me to resist the urges. A thought, an image flashes into my mind and I shove it aside. I don't act on them—that is, I haven't acted on them in a long time and I never did it enough to form scars. I'm grateful for that.
But the thoughts linger. They go away sometimes, but they always seem to come back. They feel like a burden, a secret shame. I've never told anyone about them outside of therapy. Sometimes I feel like if I don't act on them, they don't really exist. They aren't real. I've answered "no" on forms asking if I've ever thought about hurting myself without realizing it was a lie. It's hard to make myself face the truth.
But it's true: I have self harmed, and I still think about it all the time. I wish I could just make those thoughts go away. Why can't I just be rid of them? They don't feel like me; they feel like an invasion. I hate them. They make me feel powerless and scared. They make me feel out of control. Why can't I just make myself stop thinking this way?
I'm not sure if this post really serves any purpose, but I feel better having written this out. If anyone else has stories or advice to share I would love to hear it.