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It Was Not My Fault

This is just a follow up to this post. Trigger warning for everything and of course, it rambles with typos and other shit. (You know the usual AfroMeatballs experience.) If you feel like it needs to be shared somewhere feel free to do so. I am willing to talk with anyone going through the same thing.

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On July 5th, I was assaulted. It has been about a month since I posted about my sexual assault. I have accepted the fact that I am a victim, that I was assaulted.

I know that it is not my fault. Opening a door to someone I thought was my friend does not place the blame on me. It's on him. He should feel guilty but judging by the recent texts he doesn't.

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I am still suffering from something from that day. I am paranoid especially of cars that park in front of my house. I get nervous and my anxiety goes up when I am by anyone that reminds me of him (which is horrible since Q, my roommate, has people staying at our place almost every single day). My dog's random barking at the door doesn't help either. Having solicitors ring the doorbell at all hours during the day while I'm sleeping doesn't help. I sometimes freak out while I am driving if I see a car or a truck that looks like his and is going in the same direction or place as my car.

I won't tell any friends since the people I associated with also associate with and/or is related to my abuser. Even if I did, I would never last the scrutiny. He has community ties and everyone loves him. I have no ties and I am just that goofy person that people sometimes see around somewhere. Would rather saved myself the trouble.

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I wish I could to talk to my family about this but since I am close to no one, I feel I cannot. Since I have always been the burden of the family and the Black sheep, I don't think anyone will listen. I am constantly getting shame from my family that I grew up with for not having a boyfriend. I know in my heart that I will be equally shamed/blamed for being assaulted. I wouldn't tell my biological father because nothing is worst than calling someone you have spoken to in several months to let them know you've been assaulted.

At least I am in a better place to deal with this. I'm trying my hardest right now to make sure I stay afloat because I certainly don't want my mental state to be like it was 6-10 years ago. I don't think I could handle it again.

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I have school full time now plus with my job, I hope it will be easier to at least distract me or help me forget about that day. I'm taking everything one step at a time. Accepting that it wasn't my fault was the first step.

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