Make Yourself Comfortable.
Make Yourself Comfortable.

Beast's Catch 22

I generally dislike discussing Disney movies in that I feel that they are at best tacky and lame, if not openly racist and sexist and many other terrible things. I however am noticing some very unfortunate parallels between my situation and Beast's* from the titular "Beauty and the Beast". In it this prince (and his castle and all his subjects, but we're really just talking about this guy here) is cursed to be this hideous monster unless he can find true love. Yes, he was cursed for being an asshole and the goal is for him to learn how to not be an asshole but that's also not the point. The point is that he is forced to find love. That's messed up. That's not a good situation, and I would know because I'm cursed into having to find love.

I'm not cursed because I'm an asshole. Which is not to say that I am not an asshole, just that my being an asshole doesn't have anything to do with why I'm cursed. Late one night while I was in college, I was home alone in my apartment and the guy in the apartment under me came home and blew away his girlfriend and her study group. As a result I frequently have trouble sleeping. I tend to spend most of the night just staring at the walls just hoping that I'll eventually fall asleep. When I do sleep I have really stressful dreams. I've had lots of therapy, which has helped. I've tried different sleeping medications, but none of them have left my personality unaltered, allowed me to drive and function normally, and actually helped me sleep.

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The one thing that does put me to sleep consistently, night after night, is the physical and emotional security that comes from being in a close intimate relationship. Having someone there to hold me through the night, and I sleep great. I need to be loved. Pretty much, I need to complete the love and belonging tier of Maslow's hierarchy in order to fully secure the bottom two tiers.

Illustration for article titled Beasts Catch 22
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You know that point past general hunger or sleepiness where you feel weird and weak and it hurts? That's how badly I need love right now. It's a fucked up thing to be stuck with. I've tried and I don't know how else to get that sense of physical and emotional security when I am alone in my room in the dark like I was that night.

As you can imagine, it's not good to go out into the dating pool with that kind of desperation, but I like to think that I play it cool. Every setback is impossibly devastating though because every glimmer of hope is a blinding beacon at this point. I've taken so many hits this year and have had nothing come from any of it. I had a phone call so bad last night that I would have rather taken a call from my mother. (My toxic mother and my refusal to deal with her is another thing that also makes me so super attractive that should be discussed separately.) So now I hurt, and I need, and I know that it's not supposed to feel this way, or at least, not this intensely.

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So that what got me to thinking about the audacity of being cursed to find love. That it's such an impossible task to impose on someone, and I don't see any sort of Disney ending for me in this reality. It's probably just going to be me feeling a lot like this for the majority of the rest of my time here.

Illustration for article titled Beasts Catch 22
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*Does this guy have a real name? How fucked up is it that he's just called Beast for the whole movie?

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